The ugly truth

Alright, folks. I am going to give it to you straight because that's how I roll. Anyone who knows me well knows that I'm pretty open and honest. I don't sugar coat things. I don't pretend like marriage and having kids is a constant whirlwind of puppies and rainbows. There are days that suck. Days when at the exact right moment if someone were willing to trade me a martini and a copy of US Weekly for my kids, I might just take them up on it. Of course, there are moments and days that are wonderful too...but tonight I want to focus more on the part that sucks (excuse me, I feel the need to throw a pity party tonight).

So yeah, things kind of suck right now. Who knew moving with two kids 2 and under to a new place where you know NOBODY, would be stressful and overwhelming? I left a life that took 8 years to build in Charlotte and it's hard to not know where to take Joseph to blow off energy, to have other moms to get together with, not to have a list of nannies/babysitters to call so I can have some time to myself, to not have an established housekeeper to scrub my bathrooms yet. We are 90% moved in but there are pictures that need to be hung and lamps with no shades and piles of stuff everywhere because there are pieces of furniture we need to buy for this bigger house. My hyper-organized self feels like I am living in chaos. This place doesn't feel like home yet. I feel isolated and lonely and quite frankly, bored. I love my kids but 12 hours a day with no interaction besides a 3 month old and a 2 year old is mentally draining. I want adults to talk to...even if we are talking about the proper timing of potty training and the appropriate age to wean from the swaddle.

I am making efforts - I joined a couple mom's groups on meetup.com, I'm constantly researching kid's activities in the area, I have the name of a housekeeper, I've browsed sittercity.com, but it is going to take time to get my feet underneath me and get established....and this transition period is killing me. I'd be lying if I said I haven't cried everyday, sometimes more than once a day. And for anyone who knows me, this isn't surprising.

The kids aren't really making it easier either. Joseph loves being around other people. He loved his weekly playgroups as much as I did. We'd arrive in front of a house he recognized and he'd throw his arms up in the air and yell "Yay!" and practically fall out of the car trying to get out of there ASAP. He's in a period of adjustment too and not really understanding why he's stuck with just me all day everyday. He's acting out - if I tell him not to do something, he purposely does it with a look on his face that says "Hey lady, are you really going to stop me?". A week after moving into a house with 3 floors, he conveniently has learned how to open his baby gates. This has been a source of conflict between he and I all week. He can't stand the sight of his brother right now. I think somehow he equates his lack of being around other people with Conrad and well, he's sort of right.

I do try to get Joseph to the playground or the play area at the mall or the train table at the Barnes & Noble so he at least gets some interaction with other people but each of these attempts has resulted in major stress for me. First, Conrad hates his car seat. He screams his head off coming or going, or both. By the time we got home from Target on Monday, a trip that takes 10 minutes, he was near hyperventilating and had sweat through his clothes. I felt horrible but we can't avoid the car for the next 6 months. Like his older brother, he also has a hard time sleeping anywhere but my arms or his crib (and even for naps that lasts max 40 minutes). If we go out for a few hours, he's awake the entire time. By the end, he's overtired and just wants to sleep and ends up just crying and crying and crying until he dozes for a max of 5-10 minutes. His stomach issues and reflux keep him from being able to eat really large feedings so we're still doing 3-ish ounces every 2 hours or so (and don't even get me started on the spit up sessions that inevitably follow). A trip out usually means a feeding. Combine a feeding, a playground, a 2-year old who is persistently testing his limits and one tired, stressed mama and it never ends well, for anyone. I've lost my patience and yelled at Joseph more than I care to admit in the last few days and then the guilt eats me alive.

We went into this knowing the first few months would be rough but you can never really anticipate or imagine just how hard it will be until you are in the midst of it. I know by the fall things will be so much easier. And there are bright spots. I mean, we live a block and the half from the ocean. You can't help but smile when you walk to the end of the block and this is what greets you:

And when your sweet little boy enjoys running on the beach this much:

Or when your 3 month old who doesn't sleep outside the house falls asleep in the Baby Bjorn while at the beach:

And these moments are the what keeps me from trading these munchkins for that martini and US weekly...