We cried it out...

The last few days have been a mix of emotions regarding Joseph's sleep problems and the best way to deal with them. His sleep has been a roller coaster of ups and downs (mostly downs) since very early on but I had just accepted the fact that he was a bad sleeper. Until a few weeks ago, we could count on him going to asleep easily in our arms around 7:30 pm and sleeping decently until 3 am or 4 am. After that, all bets were off but we could live with that. But then, a few weeks ago he decided he wanted to wake up at 10:00pm, 12:00am, 2:00am, 4:00am and 6:00am to be rocked for 15 or 20 minutes every time. Sometimes even rocking him in his nursery wouldn't cut it and I would sleep with him in my arms in bed or on the couch.

I was exhausted, Rich was exhausted and most importantly Joseph was exhausted. The poor child couldn't last more than 45 minutes after getting up before getting cranky, yawning and rubbing his eyes and needing to go back for a nap. Our days together consisted of me constantly rocking him to sleep, followed by 20 minutes of sleep for him, and an hour of me trying to figure out ways to keep him from screaming his head off. The process was exhausting. Combine that with the lack of sleep and I was on the edge of sanity.

It all came to a head on Friday. I was tired beyond belief and Joseph was cranky beyond belief. In the afternoon we headed to Target to get out of the house and kill sometime between naps. I got all the way to Target and was walking in when Joseph lost it...a complete, full on, screaming his head off meltdown. I REALLY needed what I came for, so I attempted to take him back to the car and rock him until he could calm down. After 10 minutes of screaming and no signs of slowing down, I lost it right along with him. I am sitting in the backseat of my car with a screaming infant and crying hysterically. I am looking at my son, who I love more than anything in the world, and saying over and over "I love you so much but sometimes you are just so difficult." Finally, he stopped crying, looked at me crying and literally started giggling. We went in to Target, where everyone commented on how precious he was (would they have said that if they had seen him 10 minutes earlier...hmmm?) and got what we came for. I got him in the car and we hadn't left the parking lot when he promptly began to scream again. Luckily when I got home, Rich was waiting and whisked him away for a walk so I could nap and unwind.

We decided we had to address his sleep issues and someone on the Nest suggested he book "Sleep Easy Solution". It's a modified version of "cry it out" or the Ferber method. You go and check-in with them every 10 minutes while they are crying to let them know you are there, you haven't abandoned them and you love them. I had always been resistant to this method as I couldn't imagine how letting a child cry could ever be the right thing to do. But alas, we had run out of options and after reading the book (which is written by two child psychologists and pediatric sleep experts) I decided this was actually the best thing I could do for Joseph. I also know many friends who are amazing parents and had let their children cry it out. I won't act like I was 100% behind it, I still had major reservations, but Richard really convinced me we needed to do this.

We started Saturday night and it was horrible. He cried for 50 minutes before going to sleep. We gave him his night feed (which we are in the process of weaning him off of) at 2:00 am and he promptly put himself back to sleep. At 5:00 he woke up screaming. I was not surprised as this is the time of night where he is used to me taking him into bed. He cried for almost an hour until he fell asleep again and slept until 8:30 am. His naps that day were iffy...he'd usually cry for 10-15 minutes and then only sleep for 25 or 30 minutes. I was hopeful that night #2 (last night) would be better. We put him down at 8:00 pm and he fussed and moved around for about 20 minutes. He never cried and suddenly we realized he was asleep. At 2:00 am we had to wake him for his night feeding and he put himself back to sleep within 5 minutes afterwards. We never heard another peep until 7:30 am this morning. It was amazing. I woke up with a renewed sense of hope that Joseph in fact can sleep well and I am not destined to years of sleep deprivation and fussiness.

I know there are many people who are VERY against crying it out and I can understand their reluctance at using it. I wish that we never had to do it but in the end it's going to be a good thing for us and Joseph. There were days before when I woke up at 4:30 am to Joseph crying and just dreaded the day that was ahead of us. I spent many days watching the clock and just wishing for Rich to get home and take Joseph from me. And every time I had these thoughts, I questioned whether I just wasn't cut out to be a good mom. I logically knew this was just the exhaustion talking but thoughts like that will eat away at you. I am finally optimistic again and am really excited about a lot of fun days with Joseph in the future.